FUCK. IT. 

You see, Sam… School in Louisiana…

Well, I kind of think of it as a joke. I’m going to be the rest of the country’s equivalent of stupid regardless of whether I apply myself here.

Let’s face it. The Louisiana standard?
Gifted here is the lower end of average any other place in the country. And lots of us “gifted kids” don’t even have the work ethic to rise above that. We’ve never had to.

People with more money can aspire to go out of state and be average there, maybe even good or great… but um. I can barely afford to go to Mcneese. I mean, TOPS, yeah sure. But other expenses– car, gas, insurance, books, coffee… All things I’M going to have to pay for. Not my mom, ME. And I’m not allowed to have a job. So. How the hell am I going to find the time to raise this cash and still be a full-time student? People do it, but that just seems like a whole fucking lot of responsibility, and I don’t think I can handle it. 

You could, like so many others, tell me to hound my father for college money, but it probably wouldn’t work: he already owes us thousands in child support, hasn’t made a payment since I was nine, and can hardly stay in one state. Other people are already chasing him around the continental U.S. for debts he’s had since before I was born. I think we can safely assume he won’t be contributing.

I’m not saying that money is the only thing limiting me… I mean, my apathy is definitely not something that’s helping. But I’m guessing it’s fueled by thoughts like, “Hey. I’m going to be stupid every-fucking-where I go, and I can’t afford to make myself NOT stupid when I get there.”

I try to make myself care about school… but um… it never works for longer than three weeks, and it takes about two months to figure out a way to even do THAT.

You know you’re smart.
You know you can afford a good education.
You have self-discipline. It’s something you were raised with.

But, Sammy dear, my mom didn’t have time for that. She was too busy trying to pay the electricity bill and not to break down after the deaths of both her marriage AND her son. I mean, I sure try, but that’s not something I can just learn in a weekend, and she still doesn’t have time to help me with that.

Maybe the fact that you know you CAN do something with your life makes you a little more eager to get it done.

So uh, setting goals? You just have your fun with that.
I’ll stay here and bake.

Fucking optimists.