I had a dream…

that Kelvin’s mom walked in on us kissing.

And promptly slaughtered me with a machete.

Good stuff, right?

Ugh. I hate the unconcious Elise.

 

I finally threw up.

I’ve been nauseous and cranky and in pain all day. And I’ve been wanting to throw up just to get all of this over with. But since I wasn’t sure if I was actually GOING to throw up, I didn’t force myself to, and decided to wait it out. I’d end up feeling better once I’d gotten some more sleep, maybe some food in my tummy.

Alas, that was definitely NOT THE CASE.

I wish I had just made myself puke earlier. I waited all day to feel better just because I figured that since I don’t usually puke, I wasn’t actually going to.

I could have spared everyone if I had just gone to the bathroom and done it.

I feel so much better now, it’s outrageous. I am so pissed off. UGHHH.

 

SO. I had to write an essay comparing myself to something in nature. Ick.

            Typically, I don’t find myself particularly close to nature. I would like to, yes, but I am generally indoors with my filtered air and plumbing, so deciding what in nature I am most or least like has proven quite a challenge. I’ve gathered suggestions from others and considered several objects: daisies, grass, trees, snails, and snowflakes, among other things. But of all the parts of nature I’ve thought about, I find I can compare myself most strongly to a hummingbird.

            I am small and light, with jerky, frequent movements. I am drawn to rich colors and fragrances. The time I spend in one place is usually very brief, and I am constantly distracted by new and exciting things. I fly backward from a subject when I am startled or intimidated by it, but I don’t keep my distance for very long. Though I may be fragile, I am difficult to keep caged, headstrong and enthusiastic about a purpose I deem worthwhile. Similarly, I am not easily caught by a passing admirer, and must be shown they can give me what I need.

            I am less like a snowflake, in that I am not unique among others. I may be significantly more animated and visibly concerned about any given matter, but when it comes down to it, I am like everyone else. We all share a common want to be loved and appreciated, a passion for life, though from person to person the degree of said passion may vary quite a lot. People walk all over grass, and it has no choice but to let them. I may be submissive in rare cases, but for the most part, I do not let myself be taken advantage of. Snails, in the same way, are slow and steady, but lack the drive to be different. Trees are much stronger and stationary than I could ever hope to be.

            Of the things I considered for comparison, I believe daisies came in a close second to hummingbirds. Daisies are delicate and wilt easily without care and nourishment. I must say that when my soul needs sustenance, I fail in maintaining my regular energetic role. I need sunlight to flourish, and though I don’t make my own food through photosynthesis, when I bask in the glory of the sun, I feel refreshed and intensely inspired.

            To be sure, I am frail emotionally, but I am persistent in keeping myself above the ground. I focus on the bright and thrilling parts of living. When I am given what I need to spread my wings, I am colorfully active and get right back to drinking the nectar of life.

 

Thank you, Sam for providing me with the idea of a hummingbird, thank you to Kelvin for providing me with the ideas for everything else (with the exception of the snail– that was me).

 

Please don’t comment on it unless you’ve got some constructive criticism. I was half asleep when I wrote it, and I didn’t think very much about it, but if I have to turn this into something actually worth reading, I want to have something to go on. Thanks.

 

It’s days like today I get scared.

Today for journal, Mrs. Allan wrote and read about some struggles her family is having. I didn’t really know what was going on, but I almost cried in class.

 It’s days like today I get scared.

Scared of never being able to have children. Of what would happen if I actually will be. Scared of what other problems might develop in my body. Scared of more cysts. Or of my endometriosis getting worse. Of developing cancer. I don’t think I could handle any more cancer in my life. Too many people… I don’t know how they do it.

I can’t help but cry now, when I’m away from everyone else.

I hate how real everything is. How close-up and personal everything is.

It’s days like today I get scared.

 

Okay. Confusion major.

I’m pretty sure that one of my ex-almost-boyfriends just hinted at hanging out this weekend.

I like being friends with him and everything, but not only am I happily dating Kelvin, who’s probably coming in this weekend, I can’t actually tell if it was a hey-let’s-hang-out-so-I-can-get-some-smooches type thing. He’s so freaking hard to read. I don’t want to make an ass of myself and be like, “Look, I’m just not interested,” when HE may not even be interested… But then at the same time I want to make it clear that nothing is going to happen anywhere in the near future (since I AM happily in a relationship).

I hate my life.

Ok, not really. But I hate being this confused concerning what people want from me. Maybe I’m letting my ego take over, thinking that everything revolves around what I’m doing (or not doing, for that matter). The world does not revolve around me. I would greatly appreciate reminders from anyone who reads this that I’m not the center of the universe.

 

I feel so productive.

I helped people today. I alphabetized schedule requests forms, helped a freshman figure out what classes he should take to be able to take calculus his senior year, gave a new student his schedule packets, Taylor and I did our lab today and learned to correctly use a pipette. I organized all of my school stuff. It’s been good.

Kim and I both had our hair in braids today. We went to Raising Cane’s after school. I ate the piece of chicken she couldn’t finish and stole her empty Sprite cup so I could get myself a beverage, since she was only going to throw it away. I came home to find Emma and Ronnie and tea cakes in all of their deliciousness.

With the exceptions of finding out that another of my good friends might be moving to Houston and reading the “extreme Teen Bible,” it’s been a pretty fun day. I’m feeling good.

I don’t really have much to say today. Oh, well.

 

In the event that Mrs. Allan doesn’t check the class blog but still manages to check mine I thought it would be a good idea to post the blog assignment she gave.

This is about one of my two closets. It rather upsets me. In any case, I only went over the 100 word limit by 10 this time. as opposed to my usual 80 to 120… Hooray me!

 

The dingy, beige carpet of my southern-most closet is currently covered in charcoal. Why? Two words: cat piss. I’ve scrubbed and steam-cleaned to no avail, so after discovering that baking soda, one of our most recent efforts, wasn’t absorbing as much odor as we thought it would, we took one of my wacked-out-grandmother’s suggestions and figured we should at least try. With the exceptions of charcoal, an old dresser, and a mini-ironing board, this closet is empty, and will remain so until we have opportunity to rip up my nasty carpet. It’s a shame, really, how empty my closet is. It could house a small family. We could keep chickens.

 

 

I’m back!

I’m so glad to be home…

Not so glad to be going back to school– I had zero time to work on anything I needed to do. I suppose that’s what I get for missing.

Walter and Gustav were frighteningly excited to see us. They are now both helping my mother unpack, while I, the delinquent teenager, write a new (and I’m quite sure it’s been much-anticipated… pssht!) post.

It concerns me that I haven’t yet seen Wolfgang. He’s the scaredy-cat of the family, and every time I leave for a trip, he disappears until I’ve been back for about two weeks. He’s probably just going through his angry stage in life. I know I am.

So, who won the superbowl? I was on an airplane… Fill me in?

 

“I’m trying not to miss you.”

That one sentence seems to be following me everywhere. I haven’t felt this lonely in such a long time… I guess that’s a sign I shouldn’t leave home. Actually, it might mean I should take trips more frequently, so I can get used to leaving and returning, and leaving and returning again. I need to grow accustomed to being separated from the people I love, because once we hit college, we’ll all be split up. Kim is going out of state, Christine probably is, too. Kelvin, well… Let’s face it: he’s staying in Texas. He might even go to Rice. I don’t even know what Peyton’s doing.

As much fun as I’ve had this weekend watching everything (and everyone) happen, I can’t help but wish I’d been at home spending what little time I still have with my friends and family actually WITH them. It’s pretty goddamn freaky how fast everything is going these days– it feels like last week was October. Though, I’m still concious of the fact that it HAS been a long time. I can’t even begin to describe how difficult it is for me to grasp the concept of something being gone like that. I’ve always had trouble with it, but now that things are speeding up… Jesus.

My point=I want to go home. Now.

 

I forgot to bring a rock.

     Is it really SO bad to be a ditz? It seems that’s the only way people think of me. Ethan, Christine’s almost-man, told me he couldn’t trust me because I’m a ditzy brunette, which is even worse than the typical ditzy blonde, because people actually expect a little bit of intelligence from me. I’m told Sam went into shock when he discovered I’m in the gifted program.

     I’m aware of the fact that I’m less than perceptive. I know I’m a slacker, and I’m most definitely a procrastinator. It’s rare that I pay attention in classes that actually matter. But jeezum peach, do I really appear to be such an airhead? I’m not liking this at all. Maybe I have some things to work on…